The Hidden Motives Behind Our Spending

"I've looked over your spending, and I have found the reason for your financial problems. It's your house. You bought a house that's too expensive, and the way to fix your financial situation is to sell your house and find cheaper housing." That was my advice to the very first couple I counseled. I know what you're thinking, and you're right. They didn't want to hear it, and they didn't come back for the next appointment.

Money is so much more than money. Money is emotional and intensely personal. In some cultures, it's considered rude to even talk about money. Another issue with money is that it's used as a tool of comparison in almost every culture. Phrases like "the have's and have not's," "the rich, and the poor" are based on a comparison that is directly tied to one's wealth. These comparisons have an emotional impact on people, which influence spending and how money is managed.

As a new financial counselor, I didn't understand this truth well enough, which caused me to come across as harsh and perhaps even overbearing in my advice. Although I desired to help people understand the problem and offer the best solution, I failed to understand their emotions and the reasons behind their financial choices.

Emotions almost always have strong ties that are anchored to past experiences. Those strong emotional ties create beliefs that affect how we spend money. In situations where the emotional connection is due to a negative experience, it forms wrong beliefs, often due to spoken or unspoken vows we make that act as laws inside our hearts. These vows then have significant power in our decision making. We will go to any length, even if it costs us our financial health, relational harmony, or anything else to uphold these laws. To do otherwise is to break our own rules.

While counseling another couple on their finances, a disagreement came up on the amount of money the wife was spending on clothing. They had set an amount to spend on clothing each month, but she was consistently going over budget, sometimes spending three to four times more than budgeted.

The husband was furious. He couldn't understand why his wife was doing this. When I probed a little deeper, I learned that the wife had grown up in a relatively affluent family, and although her parents could have afforded to buy her name brand clothes, they chose not to. This caused her to be unpopular with the other girls in her class, which caused her great pain. She vowed that should she have children, especially girls, she would buy them the best clothes money could buy so they never experience the embarrassment or shame she felt by not fitting in with her peers. 

As you can imagine, God blessed her with two girls, who were now teenagers. True to her word, she was fulfilling the vow she made when she was younger, buying her girls the best clothes she could buy, no matter what. The husband didn't know or understand that she couldn't stick to the clothing budget because doing so would have violated her vow, a law which she had created in her heart. The vow she made that her girls would never feel shame or embarrassment over what they wore was now a deep belief that was directing her spending. 

When someone operates in this way, unaware of the deeper motive behind their spending, it's difficult for them to see what's happening, even when there are negative consequences, such as financial hardships and money fights. Thankfully, there is a way to overcome these negative behaviors by revealing and addressing the root causes behind our negative spending. 

Scripture tells us that the Holy Spirit is a Counselor and Comforter (John 14:16, 26; Romans 8:26). He understands and knows every part of us, especially those parts that are hidden. When you seek his wisdom, he reveals those things hidden in your heart and helps you overcome them. Because he is the Spirit of Knowledge and Truth (Isaiah 11:2; John 14:17; 15:26), he breaks through the confusion, imparts knowledge and truth, and administers healing, setting you free from wrong beliefs able to make good and godly decisions.

If you're experiencing negative consequences due to your financial decisions, you're not alone. We all get it wrong sometimes. Press into God and seek him for wisdom, direction, and, more importantly, healing. He's ready to show you a better way. If we can help you on your journey, connect with us and let us help you.

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